The Punch

LIGHTS UP on a BULLY and a WIMP.

BULLY

I'm gonna punch you into next week!

WIMP

Noooooooo! Please mister!

BULLY does over-the-top wind-up, and punches WIMP, who is whisked offstage by the force of the blow.

WIMP (flying away)

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

BULLY looks offstage and nods triumphantly, cracking his knuckles.

WIMP (offstage)

Actually, this worked out really well...you punched me all the way into my vacation next week!

BULLY

Wha?

WIMP

I'm in Cozumel drinking beer and chatting with these friendly babes! Thanks, mister!

BULLY

Why I oughta....

BULLY pauses for a moment. He looks at his fist, considering. He punches himself in the face and flies offstage.

BULLY

Geeeeeeeeeeronimoooooooo!

BLACKOUT.

LIGHTS UP on WIMP dressed in bathing suit, sandals, sunglasses. He is holding a beer and talking with a CHICK.

WIMP

No, I think you're a very deep person. You just need the right person to--

BULLY lands onstage.

BULLY

All right, you!

WIMP

Oh no, you again?

BULLY

I'll show you! I'm gonna punch you into next year!

BULLY winds up comically and decks WIMP, who flies offstage.

WIMP

Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!

CHICK

Oh no!

BULLY

Take that, wiseguy! I sure cleaned your clock.

WIMP (offstage)

Wow, this was actually perfect. I didn't have to wait for the next Batman movie; it's already out! And Stacy: we're married now! Our honeymoon at EuroDisney is wonderful! And my previously filthy clock is now clean!

CHICK

Yaaaay!

BULLY

I'm a getchoo!

BULLY punches himself offstage. Beat. CHICK looks offstage, then at her fist. She slugs herself in the face but does not move.

CHICK

Ouch!

BLACKOUT.

LIGHTS UP on WIMP and CHICK, each wearing Mickey Mouse fez.

CHICK

So I was working on that grant for the arts institute--

BULLY lands onstage.

BULLY

Okay, bub. I'm really gonna destroy you now.

WIMP

Do what you must. Every time you hit me, I wind up in a different, better point in time. I welcome what comes next.

BULLY

Huh...well, uh...I'm gonna....I'm gonna SLUG YOU INTO AN INDETERMINATE POINT IN TIME!

BULLY winds up and sends WIMP flying offstage.

WIMP
Weeeeeeeeee!

BULLY

There! How do ya like them apples?

WIMP (offstage)

I NEITHER LIKE NOR DISLIKE THE APPLES OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. YOU HAVE LAUNCHED ME SO FAR INTO THE FUTURE THAT STACY AND I HAVE EVOLVED INTO A BEING MADE SOLELY OF ENERGY. THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE ARE OPEN TO MY CONSCIOUSNESS AND I HAVE ABANDONED ALL MATTERS TRIVIAL.

BULLY

Drat and double drat! Here I come kiddo, and I'm gonna pound you once and for all!

BULLY wallops himself offstage. CHICK yawns.

BLACKOUT.

LIGHTS UP on WIMP and CHICK, who are now a pair of amorphous glowing clouds of energy. An blue laser grid, stretching over black vacuous space, extends as far as the eye can see. BULLY lands onstage. He looks around.

BULLY

Whoa.

WIMP

WHOA IS RIGHT.

BULLY

Ya know, I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Truce?

WIMP

SURE WHATEVER.

CHICK -- human CHICK from the beach scene -- lands onstage.

WIMP (gasps)

STACY?! FROM BEFORE?

HUMAN CHICK

That's right. After you both left me on that beach, I spent years training myself to punch things into the future. After accomplishing the unaccomplishable, I spent dozens more years trying to find you in time, but all my hard work paid off. Here you are my love!

WIMP
UMM. WELL. GOSH. YOU KNOW, THE THING IS, ERRRMMM.....THERE'S ALREADY A YOU HERE, AND SHE'S ALL EVOLVED AND STUFF, SO...

CLOUD CHICK

YEAH....

HUMAN CHICK

What?! C'mere, bitch! I'm gonna punch you all the way to the end of time!

WIMP
WAIT, STACY, NO!

CHICK and CHICK CLOUD begin fighting. A nova-like corona explosion envelopes them.

WIMP

OH NO! THE STACY FROM THE PAST AND THE STACY FROM THE FUTURE ARE OCCUPYING THE SAME PHYSICAL SPACE! THE VERY FABRIC OF TIME IS SPLITTING!

BULLY

Aww man.

The explosion rapidly spreads out, vaporising the universe and causing a

BLACKOUT.

SFX

Lights up. ROB is sitting on a computer.

ROB (excited)
Guys, get in here!!

MATT and DAN enter, grumbling inarticulately.

ROB
So I found the sound effects we needed for the sketch show!

MATT
Great! Let's hear 'em.

ROB (moving his mouse)
I worked really hard to find this...thank god for this website.

DAN (leaning forward)
"MIDI Planet?"

MATT
Hey, sounds good to me! Haha!

MATT and DAN laugh.

ROB
Okay, here we go.

ROB doubleclicks the mouse. We hear a lo-fi, 8-bit digitized equivalent of a fart noise. A beat.

DAN
Okay so we needed a doorbell.

MATT
Yeah...

ROB
Oh...okay...

DAN
Yeah, I mean...what even was that?

MATT (nervously)
It's okay, it's okay, I bet they have a doorbell on this site somewhere...

ROB
It was a fart, okay?

MATT (scrutinizing computer screen)
Let's see, doorbe--

ROB
It was a fart. Dan. It was a fart noise.

DAN
Well that's funny because for being a fart noise, it sounded like shit.

ROB
What?!

DAN
It sounded horrible. You can't tell what the fuck it is.

MATT
Guys, guys--

ROB
Oh yeah?

ROB retaliates with another fart SFX.

DAN (sarcastic)
Oh, yikes.

Another fart.

DAN
Yikes!

Another fart.

DAN
Hark, a fartsy-tartsy!

Another fart.

DAN
What to my wondering eyes should appear, but a FART my dear, a FART MY DEAR!

MATT
Dan, please. You're only going to anger him. Don't -- get -- Rob -- angry!

Another fart.

DAN
OOH AND ALSO WE NEVER ASKED FOR A FART NOISE WE NEEDED A DOORBELL!

ROB turns red as Satan and storms toward a crazy-looking electric guitar plugged into a stack of amps. ROB puts on the guitar and strums it. An earth-shattering pixelated fart pounds through the air and tears across the stage with hurricane force. MATT and DAN are knocked to the ground.

Beat. A reverent FART MONSTER appears in the audience.

FART MONSTER
Good work, my son.

ROB
Thy will be done, father. THY WILL BE DONE.

BLACKOUT.