Confessional

A video in the style of a somber PSA. We see a man in a black suit, a HOST.

HOST

You've heard the stories. You've seen the footage. And it's true. We are out there. Everyday, our suffering is ignored by those around us.

CUT TO shot of destitute WOMAN on street, reaching out for help.

CUT TO HOST.

HOST

That's right. And up until now, maybe you've wondered what you could do to help.

CUT TO a CITIZEN guiltily evading a poor-diseased MAN. He then looks back at the man and frowns thoughtfully.

Back to HOST.

HOST

Who are we? We're people who have to live with the fact that, everyday, we live in a world where the movie Space Cowboys exists.

CUT TO several homeless looking people, stumbling and laying around an outdoor fountain.

Back to HOST.

HOST
Well, it's time to start giving today. For as little as 25 cents a day, you can help support, nurture and care for a lonely soul afflicted by the bleak reality that is the movie Space Cowboys.

CUT TO some young children crying by a fire. It pauses. The camera zooms out and we see that the HOST is watching this scene on a television. He holds a remote in his hand.

HOST

I don't know about you, but I'm not going to go on watching. But I'm also not going to stop looking at the eyes in this freezeframe. Little young sad eyes. Eyes that say "help me!" "Help me I'm bleeding in my soul!"We hope you have the courage to do the right thing. Give today. Because Space Cowboys may have come and gone. But the risk has never been larger for Space Cowboys 2: Back in the Saddlejet.

INSERT: a hotline number and details appear on the screen.

ANNOUNCER

Call today! Operator are standing by!

END.

Recycling

LIGHTS UP. DAD walks onstage, where there is a recycling bin and a regular garbage can next to each other. An aluminum CAN is in the garbage can.

DAD

Can?! You shouldn't be in the garbage! Don't you know you belong in recycling?

CAN jumps out of the garbage. She has big girly eyelashes but otherwise is just a can with arms and legs.

CAN

I know! But Billy put me in here by accident! I think...

DAD
Billy! Get out here!

BILLY runs onstage with a teeball and bat.

BILLY

Yes, daddy?

DAD (kneeling)

Now son, did you put Can in the garbage?

BILLY

Oh...uh...yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.

DAD

It's okay. Was it by mistake?

BILLY
Yes it was.

DAD (suddenly dark)

No it wasn't. You're trying to make a fool out of me in my own neighborhood, aren't you?

BILLY
What? No, I um--

DAD (lifting him up)

Well it's not gonna happen, kiddo. You're takin' a sponge bath in the fuckin' bowels of the earth before I fall from grace!

DAD performs a WWF backbreaker on BILLY, whose spine snaps on DAD's knee.

DAD

At last. The cycle is broken. I am RENEWED!!!!!!

CAN

Umm....so I actually went into the garbage can just to see what it was like. Billy didn't actually do anything...hehe....

DAD
WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT NOW? NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN WHAT I CAN DO?

CAN

I don't know, I just thought yo--

DAD

I AM GONNA GO CAJUN FRIED E.T. THE ATARI VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE ON YOUR ASS!

DAD lunges at CAN with a chainsaw.

BLACKOUT.

CAN (voice in the blackout)

Wait wait wait, brings the lights up!

LIGHTS UP.

CAN (to DAD)

What was that?

DAD

What?

CAN (with disgust and disbelief)

That! That thing you said. You're gonna go....cajun..fried....

DAD
Yeah, I dunno, I, uh, it's the only thing that sprung to mind.

CAN (patronizing)

No no no! What was it? I really want to remember. E.T.? Something about an E.T. Atar--

DAD (embarassed, trying to get it over with)

ATARI VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE, YES. The ET Atari game was one of the least successful video games of all time, so I thought that would communicate....the depth of rage in the incoming beating I was going to give you. (sigh) I'm pathetic, aren't I?

CAN

HAHAHAAHHAHAAAHAA!!!!!

DAD sinks to his knees, crying, hands to heaven.

DAD

What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

BLACKOUT.

Insights

LIGHTS UP on ROB and DAVE sitting on a couch.

ROB

Hey Dave, do you know how you can tell when you've lost the will to live?

DAVE

How?

ROB

You can tell you've lost the will to live when your bed becomes your toilet. When you wake up in the middle of the night from a bad dream and just piss yourself.

DAVE

Sometimes that just means you've got a bad bladder. Or you're old.

Beat.

ROB

...not when it's a choice.

BLACKOUT.

A Sketch About Coffee

LIGHTS UP on a diner. Two coworkers, JERRY and MEL sit at a booth. They are frozen in place.

ANNOUNCER (off)

And now, a glimpse at a world where coffee is experienced only once in a lifetime.

JERRY and MEL unfreeze and begin laughing about nothing in particular. A WAITRESS approaches them with a pot of coffee.

WAITRESS

Would you gentlemen like some coffee?

MEL covers his empty coffee mug.

COWORKER 1

Oh no, thanks. I'm saving my cup of coffee for a special occasion. Maybe the day I retire from our terrible job!

JERRY and MEL laugh.

WAITRESS

That is very prudent of you sir. And how about you, sir?

JERRY (shrugging)

Yeah, why not. I'm having a good day. Why not have the only cup of coffee I'll ever have in my life?

MEL

Yeah, okay. Go for it.

WAITRESS (pouring)

Okeedoke. Enjoy!

She walks away.

JERRY

To you!

MEL

No no, to you!

JERRY and MEL toast, one with coffee, the other with a glass of water.

JERRY

This is gonna be great!

As JERRY raises the cup to his lips, an adorable kitten jumps into his lap, spilling the coffee.

JERRY

Jesus God, NO! My coffee!

The kitten leaps out of his lap and prances around on the table.

JERRY

Waitress, waitress! Please give me another cup of coffee! This stupid creature spilled mine.

WAITRESS approaches the booth.

WAITRESS

I'm sorry sir, you know the rules. One cup of coffee per lifetime.

JERRY

But I didn't even get to have a drop of it! (to the cat) I could just kill you!

WAITRESS

No, that's Langston, our Diner Cat.

JERRY

Diner cat?! Who has a diner cat?!

WAITRESS

I'm pretty sure every diner does.

JERRY (hands and knees)

Pleeeeeeease!

WAITRESS

I really can't.

MEL

Yeah Jerry, them's the rules. One cup of coffee per lifetime.

JERRY

There's a drop of it on YOU!

JERRY lunges at the WAITRESS and licks her uniform.

MEL (separating them)

Jerry, get a hold of yourself!

JERRY begins slurping the coffee residue off his tie and the floor.

JERRY

There's gotta be some left, there's just gotta.

MEL

Jerry. It's over. It's....over.

A beat.

JERRY

You're right, Mel. You're right.

JERRY stands up, dusts himself off.

JERRY

Guess there's nothing to do about it except DRIVE A RAPIER THROUGH THAT BASTARD'S ROTTEN LITTLE HEART!

JERRY brandishes a fancy rapier and plunges it into Langston, the Diner Cat.

WAITRESS

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

The cast of CATS comes out and sings an upbeat song about Langston the Diner Cat to the tune of "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat."

CAST OF CATS (singing)

LANGSTON, THE DINER CAT

THE CAT WHO SPILLS THE ONLY CUP OF COFFEE YOU'RE EVER GONNA GET!

JERRY

Fuck you guys! BAHAMUT, I SUMMON YOU!

The stage goes red as BAHAMUT rises upstage, behind the action. His mighty jaw opens and an ocean of green flame engulfs the stage and its shrieking inhabitants.

BLACKOUT.

Layering

LIGHTS UP on ROB and LIZZIE standing in front of a closet. ROB is topless. (Note: the scene is played very melodramatically).

ROB
What if I just wear a sweater?

LIZZIE

You mean without an undershirt?

ROB
Yeah.

LIZZIE

You're not going to layer?

ROB
Yeah.

LIZZIE

Rob, no! Everyone layers!

ROB grabs a sweater from the closet.

ROB (clutching the sweater)

I don't want to be like everyone else! I'm not an automaton.

LIZZIE attempts to take the sweater away.

LIZZIE

But no one knows what happens if you don't layer!

A pause as ROB looks at LIZZIE, stoic and brave.

ROB
Well maybe it's time someone found out.

ROB puts the sweater on, without an undershirt. He moves to the door. LIZZIE watches him go, hand over her mouth and arm outstretched. ROB exits.

ROB (offstage)

Oh god! Here comes a cybernetic Basilisk! AAAAAAHHHHH!

There are laser and chomping sounds from off. LIZZIE collapses in tears.

LIZZIE

Nooooo!

CYBERNETIC BASILISK pokes his head in the door.

CYBERNETIC BASILISK

Ain't I a stinker?

BLACKOUT.

Ponderosa Denier

LIGHTS UP on ROB and LIZZIE sitting on a couch, watching TV.

They laugh.

LIZZIE

Oh man, that Progressive auto insurance girl is hilarious.

ROB

She sure is. Gee, I'm hungry.

LIZZIE

Me too. What do you wanna eat?

ROB

Gosh, I don't know. I want a little bit of everything. Like a buffet, you know?

LIZZIE
Yeah.

ROB
If only there was a Ponderosa Steakhouse around here. I haven't seen one of those in ages. (sighs) Ahhh, gone the way of the buffalo, so they have.

LIZZIE

What? What steakhouse?

ROB
Ponderosa. You know. (sings) "Come and get it at Ponderosa!"

LIZZIE
Huh, never heard of it.

ROB

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF PONDEROSA?!

LIZZIE

Umm, no. Why are you yelling at me?

ROB
Unbelievable. Try taking a roadtrip through the midwest without Ponderosa. I challenge you.

LIZZIE

O-kay, uh, why can't you just explain this to me like a huma--

ROB (calling offstage)

Guys, she's a Ponderosa denier!

ROY and MATT enter.

ROY and MATT (ad lib...)

What? How dare you deny the reality that was Ponderosa? Etc...

LIZZIE

Okay, for starters, why were you guys hiding out in an apartment you don't live in. And secondly, I never said I DENIED the existence of Ponderosa Steakhouse!

ROB
Sheesh. Next thing ya know, she'll say she's never heard of Chi-Chi's!

Beat. They all turn to LIZZIE.

LIZZIE

I...don't know that one either.

The guys erupt in disgust.

ROB

Lizzie, Chi-Chi's single-handedly brought mexican cuisine to families all over America. Try taking a roadtrip through the midwest without Chi-Chi's!

MATT

Yeah, you just try it!

LIZZIE

Okay, well, I've never been on a roadtrip, so--

ROB

You can't deny Chi-Chi's legacy, she-bitch.

LIZZIE

I'm not denying anything! And don't call me that!

ROY

What about Perkins?

MATT

Yeah, what about Perkins?

ROB

Perkins.

Beat.

LIZZIE

Oh, yeah. Perrrrkins. Mmmm. Love it.

ROB

If you reeeeally love Perkins, then why don't you tell me what I ate there on my road trip to North Carolina during spring break '04?

LIZZIE

How could I possibly know that?

The guys erupt again.

ROB (pointing accusingly at her)

I knew it! DENIER!

ROY

Kudos to you, Rob.

MATT

Yeah, I don't know how you can date someone who so blatantly denies the history of our culture.

ROB

It's rough, but I--

LIZZIE

"Our culture"?! What culture are you referring to? The culture of franchise restaurants that only exist at interstate off-ramps? Have you at all considered the fact that I was born and raised in Brooklyn? Not some town in Ohio?

Beat.

ROY

Wow, I guess you're right.

MATT
That was really inconsiderate of us.

ROB
Sorry, honey. I just naturally assumed that you had the same knowledge base as me, despite the fact that we grew up in different geographic regions. That was really small-minded of me. Will you forgive me?

LIZZIE

Of course. Now, if you please, there's another Progressive auto insurance commercial on TV and I would so like to watch this talented young lady perform.

GUYS

Oh, wow!

They turn to face the TV and high-five.

BLACKOUT.