Recycling

LIGHTS UP. DAD walks onstage, where there is a recycling bin and a regular garbage can next to each other. An aluminum CAN is in the garbage can.

DAD

Can?! You shouldn't be in the garbage! Don't you know you belong in recycling?

CAN jumps out of the garbage. She has big girly eyelashes but otherwise is just a can with arms and legs.

CAN

I know! But Billy put me in here by accident! I think...

DAD
Billy! Get out here!

BILLY runs onstage with a teeball and bat.

BILLY

Yes, daddy?

DAD (kneeling)

Now son, did you put Can in the garbage?

BILLY

Oh...uh...yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.

DAD

It's okay. Was it by mistake?

BILLY
Yes it was.

DAD (suddenly dark)

No it wasn't. You're trying to make a fool out of me in my own neighborhood, aren't you?

BILLY
What? No, I um--

DAD (lifting him up)

Well it's not gonna happen, kiddo. You're takin' a sponge bath in the fuckin' bowels of the earth before I fall from grace!

DAD performs a WWF backbreaker on BILLY, whose spine snaps on DAD's knee.

DAD

At last. The cycle is broken. I am RENEWED!!!!!!

CAN

Umm....so I actually went into the garbage can just to see what it was like. Billy didn't actually do anything...hehe....

DAD
WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT NOW? NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN WHAT I CAN DO?

CAN

I don't know, I just thought yo--

DAD

I AM GONNA GO CAJUN FRIED E.T. THE ATARI VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE ON YOUR ASS!

DAD lunges at CAN with a chainsaw.

BLACKOUT.

CAN (voice in the blackout)

Wait wait wait, brings the lights up!

LIGHTS UP.

CAN (to DAD)

What was that?

DAD

What?

CAN (with disgust and disbelief)

That! That thing you said. You're gonna go....cajun..fried....

DAD
Yeah, I dunno, I, uh, it's the only thing that sprung to mind.

CAN (patronizing)

No no no! What was it? I really want to remember. E.T.? Something about an E.T. Atar--

DAD (embarassed, trying to get it over with)

ATARI VIDEO GAME CARTRIDGE, YES. The ET Atari game was one of the least successful video games of all time, so I thought that would communicate....the depth of rage in the incoming beating I was going to give you. (sigh) I'm pathetic, aren't I?

CAN

HAHAHAAHHAHAAAHAA!!!!!

DAD sinks to his knees, crying, hands to heaven.

DAD

What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?

BLACKOUT.