ANNOUNCER (off)
And now, a glimpse at a world where coffee is experienced only once in a lifetime.
JERRY and MEL unfreeze and begin laughing about nothing in particular. A WAITRESS approaches them with a pot of coffee.
WAITRESS
Would you gentlemen like some coffee?
MEL covers his empty coffee mug.
COWORKER 1
Oh no, thanks. I'm saving my cup of coffee for a special occasion. Maybe the day I retire from our terrible job!
JERRY and MEL laugh.
WAITRESS
That is very prudent of you sir. And how about you, sir?
JERRY (shrugging)
Yeah, why not. I'm having a good day. Why not have the only cup of coffee I'll ever have in my life?
MEL
Yeah, okay. Go for it.
WAITRESS (pouring)
Okeedoke. Enjoy!
She walks away.
JERRY
To you!
MEL
No no, to you!
JERRY and MEL toast, one with coffee, the other with a glass of water.
JERRY
This is gonna be great!
As JERRY raises the cup to his lips, an adorable kitten jumps into his lap, spilling the coffee.
JERRY
Jesus God, NO! My coffee!
The kitten leaps out of his lap and prances around on the table.
JERRY
Waitress, waitress! Please give me another cup of coffee! This stupid creature spilled mine.
WAITRESS approaches the booth.
WAITRESS
I'm sorry sir, you know the rules. One cup of coffee per lifetime.
JERRY
But I didn't even get to have a drop of it! (to the cat) I could just kill you!
WAITRESS
No, that's Langston, our Diner Cat.
JERRY
Diner cat?! Who has a diner cat?!
WAITRESS
I'm pretty sure every diner does.
JERRY (hands and knees)
Pleeeeeeease!
WAITRESS
I really can't.
MEL
Yeah Jerry, them's the rules. One cup of coffee per lifetime.
JERRY
There's a drop of it on YOU!
JERRY lunges at the WAITRESS and licks her uniform.
MEL (separating them)
Jerry, get a hold of yourself!
JERRY begins slurping the coffee residue off his tie and the floor.
JERRY
There's gotta be some left, there's just gotta.
MEL
Jerry. It's over. It's....over.
A beat.
JERRY
You're right, Mel. You're right.
JERRY stands up, dusts himself off.
JERRY
Guess there's nothing to do about it except DRIVE A RAPIER THROUGH THAT BASTARD'S ROTTEN LITTLE HEART!
JERRY brandishes a fancy rapier and plunges it into Langston, the Diner Cat.
WAITRESS
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
The cast of CATS comes out and sings an upbeat song about Langston the Diner Cat to the tune of "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat."
CAST OF CATS (singing)
LANGSTON, THE DINER CAT
THE CAT WHO SPILLS THE ONLY CUP OF COFFEE YOU'RE EVER GONNA GET!
JERRY
Fuck you guys! BAHAMUT, I SUMMON YOU!
The stage goes red as BAHAMUT rises upstage, behind the action. His mighty jaw opens and an ocean of green flame engulfs the stage and its shrieking inhabitants.
BLACKOUT.
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